it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
