see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
