New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
bring money and cleavage
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
