It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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