Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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