just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
