I skipped work to stalk him.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
