My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
