I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
