I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I met the friendliest cop last night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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