I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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