I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
