I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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