nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize