I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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