you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
