I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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