Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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