Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
