I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
