My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
