Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
