Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
