woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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