the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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