Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
