I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
