just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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