I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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