if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
