if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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