So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
