Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize