Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
