I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
