i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
