i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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