my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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