I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
