Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize