i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
