I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
