I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
