this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
