he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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