Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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