On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
