Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
