you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
