My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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