It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
