So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
