I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
