he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Text me some of your sweat
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize