Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
