Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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