I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
