that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize