Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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