UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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